The Transformation Story Archive The Blind Pig

Four Phonecalls and an Ad

by Thomas Hassan

"Joey, you there?

"It's me, Burt. Yup. Forgot you won't recognize the voice anymore.

"Hey, you still have the PVC machines? Good. I sent one of these bicycle guys over with a few plans. Have a look at them and tell me if you can make them.

"Won't say too much now. Just have a look, I'll explain later.

"Yes. Martha's fine. I was a bit sick the last weeks. Oh, the kid's doing great. Yes, it's her second year in school. Oh, well, doesn't like it all the time, but she's a good one.

"Yup. Give me a ring when you get the plans, ok?

"Bye. Yeah, you too.


"Hello, is this the mayor's office?

"Yes. Thanks. This is Burt Sanderson. Yes. I'd like to know, I mean, do you know where I can get census data?

"No. I don't. I just...

"Ok. I'll wait. Sanderson here. I need some census da... Yes I'll wait.

"Sanderson. I need some census data. Oh, you can. Good! Yeah. I'd like to know how many animal SCABs there are in town.

"Yes, I know registration fell through. I'm happy with an estimate.

"Really. Just an estimate... Hey, ballpark is all I ...



"Tribune there?

"Thanks. This is Sanderson. I'd like to know if you have some estimates on how many SCABs we have here in the...

"Yes, I'm just interested... No, I called City Hall. They...

"Hey goddamnit! Sorry. I'm one myself. I just wanna know how many we are.

"So should I bray for you or what? I'll wait.

"Hello. Sanderson here. Have... Oh, she told you... Good. No, I'm not... Wait, actually, yes I am interested in their living situation.

"Yes, yes I've got a pen. I'll take notes.


"Joey? Burt here.

"Did you get the plans?

"Good, how many can you make, say, in the next four weeks?


"Ok, I'll tell you. short version. Long version over a beer someday. OK?

"Them's toilets. You know, can? loo? bathroom bowls?

"I know they don't look like it, Joey. I drew the plans.

"Hey, I told you I was sick. I got myself the martian flu.

" need. I survived. It's not that bad.

"An ass. Idiot! A donkey!

"Hey, I can live with it. Well Martha's not happy, but she's getting used to... No the kid's absolutely thrilled. Loves rides on her Daddy.

"No, I'm still on two legs. Wouldn't phone you then, would I?

"Business has gone down a bit, but I just send Mark and Jonnie. Hey, they've been doing it long enough.

"But what I wanted to tell you.

"Well, yes... Anyway, when I got up the first morning... When I could get up, that is. I was clopping to the bathroom... Yep. What a noise! I'm going to have to get deep carpeting. Anyway, I try to get to my morning pee... And well, I have this pocket for it now, and it goes up, and then it comes out, and well...

"Yes Joey... Hung like a... Yes. And I try to aim and it just won't work.

"I mean, how can you hit the bowl when you're aiming at the ceiling?

"Then I sit down, and bend over and I can't...

"Hell, I stopped short of a handstand.

"Then I called Ralph. You know, the Rottweiler, who was at Irene's marriage? You musta seen him. We got to talking then...

"Do you know they have bones in their... Yup. He uses a plastic bowl that he has to wash all the time.

"So now I gets me to thinking and I think, how come, I mean I'm in the business, and install toilets every... Yes. And I check all the catalogues, and I call the manufacturers, and it turns out nobody's ever thought...

"Yup. That's when I got the idea.

"Well, I sat down at the drawing board... No, have to use a kitchen chair now, the old one doesn't have room for the tail. And I sat down and doodled and tried to come up with something.

"Yup Joey, them's the plans. I figured, you'd need to bend over... No. I'll have them sunken in the floor and...

"Yes, let's make it two beer. Fiveish?

"Well the diner at the corner still serves me. Yes, "4th Corner Bar'n'Grill"

"Okay. See you at five.



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Four Phonecalls and an Ad copyright 1999 by Thomas Hassan.

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